I cannot find my penis.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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