If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
