I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
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