I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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