Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
How's work?
Spinning.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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