Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
