Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
