just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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