i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
