non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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