Someone shit on the floor
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
