***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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