we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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