fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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