my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
