the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
