woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Randomize
