The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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