Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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