I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
