We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
