You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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