he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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