i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
