Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
