you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
