i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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