you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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