Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
