Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
