I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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