Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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