My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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