your parents love me but you hate me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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