i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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