What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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