I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She needs sedatives and a leash
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
