I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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