Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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