I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
