Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
