The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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