God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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