i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
