He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
