I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
