I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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