Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
