I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
