my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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