I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
