That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
