we have pet lesbian snakes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
