i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You were trust falling into bushes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
