I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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