I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
