I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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