Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
